Just Another Speck in the Cosmos

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Hey you,

This may have been the quickest year we’ve had yet. It feels like only yesterday when I packed a year’s worth of life into five cartons and moved to a new city. It’s hard to believe that was twelve months ago. Moving places is always a romantic affair, don’t you think? The idea of leaving something behind and exploring something anew.

I’m not so sure what I’ve left behind. Maybe the crowd and the frenzy that came with it. Maybe even a bit of loneliness and hurt from my circle back there. But I do know what I’ve gained. A sense of calm. It’s only when the water is still that you get to see clearly.

In the calm that came with this year, I’ve been able to indulge more consciously in the things I’ve taken for granted. Having the freedom and choice to move cities on my own accord, for one. Having the time, and energy to travel to places. Having the flexibility at work to fly home to my parents any time I’m needed.

I’ve made notable strides this year. Climbed the professional ladder, albeit a little late, made a big personal purchase, traveled abroad, signed up for an anthology publication, and even added more plates to the barbell at the gym. Yes, the plates count.

But when I reminisce about the bygone year, it is not these strides that I think about. Of course, in their absence, I would be lamenting their lack of it. So let me correct myself, for I want to be clear that I am not taking these accomplishments for granted. While these strides are dear to me, I have learned to value something else a lot more, the people closest to me.

I have come across many people over the year, a sea of faces that came and went, some that were a powerhouse of talent, some that were kind, some that were outrageous, and some that were overly pretentious.  It was for the first time I realized that finding people of your own wavelength is not an easy task, especially for an introvert.

I cannot stress enough the comfort of having my partner by my side. To have someone to think aloud with, be silly with, giggle with. To have someone pick up the things you’ve dropped, be it your keys or your confidence. To have someone to unload to, to complement to.

I cannot appreciate enough the hours-long conversations I have with my family. Be it individually over the phone, or our weekly video calls, or the dinner conversations at home. From the updates of the drama at work, to the books or movies we’ve lately consumed, to politics or even celebrity gossip, we cover a wide range of topics.

And I cannot cherish enough my girl gang from college. Not so much a gang but the two friends who have been a support system to me. We’ve been actively exchanging compliments on each other’s outfits and keeping up with each other’s miseries.

In the past few years, I’ve been struggling with a declining slope of confidence since my days at school. At school, I was part of the limelight in that little universe, so I did not take mediocrity very well when I got out. I wanted to feel important again, and when it did not come easily, I put myself down for it. If nothing else, my experiences have been quite humbling. The world is too large and I’m just another speck in the cosmos.

Rather than trying to feel important among others, I’ve been trying to understand my worth myself. I remember a scene from the movie Margarita with a Straw, where the protagonist Laila goes on a solo date. The idea stuck with me, but I didn’t think I’d be comfortable doing that myself.

When last year, it so happened that I had the whole day to myself on my birthday, I decided to dress up and go for a walk. What was intended to be a half-hour business ended up being a whole day’s affair. I went shopping in the mall, had my favourite food for lunch, and sat in a café with a journal and wrote a long entry. It’s surprising how comfortable you can be with yourself when you’re not worried about what others think.

I decided to make solo dates a birthday ritual. This year the experience was as rewarding as the last. So, I’d like to appreciate this part of me that prioritizes myself, because sometimes you need to remind yourself to do that.

I may be just another speck in the universe. But if you look close enough, a speck could be a vibrantly burning star. It’s just that only the ones in its orbit would appreciate its light.

So, I’m here today appreciating my orbit. I’m here appreciating my light and that of the others. I’m here reminding myself of my blessings.

I’m here pushing you to keep going. Onwards and upwards.

Love and hugs,

Me

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This post is part of The Year & You blog hop hosted by Swarnali Nath.