Friday, 11 December 2020

Living in Limbo

Source: hiclipart

Do you ever feel stuck in time? On a routine that goes on in a loop with no change whatsoever? You have these things you want to do but you put them off for later. You don't really do anything to get there at present. Or maybe you do and the routine is a part of it. Either way, you're waiting. Waiting to get there. Somewhere. 

Is it weird to find comfort in a routine only because of the ability to break it? How would you appreciate the weekend if you weren't working 5 days a week? 

I longed for a break to figure things out. To maybe sit and mull over the grand plan I was going to devise that would get me where I wanted to be. And when the time finally fell into my arms I had no clue what to do next. Oh, I did mull and muse and meander in my mind. But funnily enough, the only thing I figured out was that I wanted to get back into the routine. 

I feel blank. No, confused. And even guilty because I have no particular reason to feel so. I guess I'm enjoying the little pleasures, watching a bit of entertainment, spending time with friends, reading when possible. Life is good. But I've always been looking for a meaning. I have a feeling that it is inching away from me, and I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I'm not sure if I want to give in to the smaller things if it means I wouldn't look ahead. For someone who has always hated monotony, I'm surprisingly finding comfort in work and chores today. Is this what adulthood does to us?

I feel happy and satisfied for now, I think. I know that I want to do more but just not yet, you know? I'm waiting again. Like I waited for the free time that came and passed. Now waiting for the pandemic to pass as well. Convenient excuses to put me at ease, to not get up and hustle just yet. But on days like this when I mull and muse again, I wonder what it is that I'm really waiting for. I cannot put a finger on it. I don't understand it. 

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for, it's silly really. On most days when I'm occupied the mind doesn't get enough room to think about this aimless search of mine. It isn't a botheration in general. But I always manage to come back to it some day, to trouble my thoughts with this eternal waiting I've signed up for. 

Perhaps this is the feeling of the endless wants our human nature is born with. That feeling that nothing is ever enough as we keep striving for more. 

Maybe one of these days I'll figure out what it is. 
But until then, I'll be living in limbo. Floating in my happy bubble while I wait.



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