Paralysed !!

I was pacing up and down my room, trying to recall all the formulas I'd just learnt. Sigh, I was gonna screw the test this time too. Mom was in my room for the third time, asking me to get to sleep. I looked up at the clock - ten past twelve. Maybe it was time to get some sleep.

So I lay down in bed, lights off...and sleep chose to elude me. I lay still, watching the curtains sway slowly in the wind. I shut my eyes in the hope of driftng off to sleep. But I felt something stiff near my ears. Did I forget to remove my spectacles? I lifted my arm to check...only to notice that no arm came up. I tried again, and felt my arm glued to the bed. What was with my arm?

I tried opening my eyes to have a look, but my eyelids wouldn't budge. And then I did what any sane human would do at the time. I panicked. I tried to lift my whole body and felt myself get exhausted with the effort. And yet my body hadn't moved an inch. The wind from the ceiling fan grew louder and louder still, and I knew all too well at that moment that my nightmare had returned. Again.

It wasn't the first time, yet I couldn't stay calm. I knew I was dreaming but it did not make it any better. I tried opening my mouth to scream, despite knowing that it would be futile. Every ounce of strength I had was wasted away in my efforts. My body wasn't under my control; all that existed was my consciousness. I screamed from within, flung my arms and legs wildly in my mind, but my body stay as still as a rock.

I lay there, silently wishing for my mom to come and wake me up. I was afraid that if I didn't wake up soon, I would remain as such, paralysed....forever? With all the voice and strength from within I slowly whispered for mom...only to hear nothing.

All of a sudden, my eyes popped open with a jerk. I was breathing heavily, in shock of what just happened. I found the curtains swishing just as it had been. I sat up in my bed. I was fine. What was this recurring nightmare? And how was it that I was conscious at the time? How could I think rationally? Fear is born with the unknown. I was afraid of what was happening.

With the fear and wanting to stay awake for the rest of the night, I do not know when I drifted off again.
A few days later, I was browsing through FB when I found this...

I googled it up, and heaved a sigh of relief. It had a name! And it was common, and harmless! Sleep paralysis, they called it. And I discovered that my version was way better than the monsters and demons that other people had seen (Just look at that scary picture!). At least now I knew, and it did not scare me anymore.

It so happens that when the exhausted mind does not synchronize with the body. the body tend to fall asleep sooner than the brain, and it has a good time scaring the hell out of you until it too relaxes down. Now I knew what to do the next time, all I needed to do was to calm myself down, not fight back, and wait for it to get over.

But it seems like my brain has accepted defeat, for I ain't scared of it anymore. And the nightmare hasn't paid a visit since.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I know it is terrible, and it is the scariest shit one can dream of...but believe me, there are ways to deal with it and it's simple too. And maybe who knows, you might actually enjoy it the next time (not kidding - there are people who love it!) 

Have you made your bucket list?

This little guy came to me as a birthday gift. My froggy bank.
"Stash all your secrets in it." he'd said when giving it to me.
 Well, I had my diary for that. I knew what to do with this little froggy; it was going to hold my secret wish list. So that every day when I wake up and find its cute 'V'-smile and those rosey cheeks, I'm reminded of all the things that are left to be done.

Remember the time when we were kids and we told people how we'd grow up and make the world a better place? And then we grew up and discovered that it wasn't as easy as it seems. And remember when we grew into a teen later and dreamt of having all the fun we could possibly have in our lifetime? And then...oh well...I'm not sure about what follows next because I'm presently in the same phase.

Surely, we've all had those round table discussions with our buddies about our bucket lists. All the travel destinations from Louvre Palace to Machu Pichu...all those adventures from sky diving to snorkelling...all those people to meet from our favourite author to the favourite band...and all the things to do from getting a tattoo to running a marathon or writing a book...

Every now and then I'd tell my froggy bank of my new found wishes. And then one day someone asked if I'd ever done any of it yet. I began having a flashback of all the good times of the past. I was beginning to say I did, and that's when I realized something.  That I'd done and gotten much more than what I'd imagined.

This list that I continue to make is all about what I long for; what I might do much later in life. It could simply be a bundle of fantasies I crave for and will laugh at and sigh in the future. Because it tells of all that hasn't happened so far, and all that needs to be done. But what it did not tell, was about all the things that has already happened, the things I haven't wished for.

That's when I noticed that even though plenty more was left to be done, life had its way of surprising us with things we never dreamed of. And when we're busy in pursuit of our secret wish list, we may not value enough the pleasures and surprises showered upon us on the way. If only we look at all that we've had so far filtering off the worries, we'd notice how extraordinary our lives have been.

As I sat there with a piece of paper to jot down yet another spontaneous wish that came across my mind, I was reminded of all the adventures that I'd had so far.

What are our lives without our wish lists? To have a dream is what keeps us going. Else, it is a mere survival, and to live, survival does not suffice. Now as the piece of paper gave me a 'blank' stare, I knew what to write. Enough of junketing around with wild ideas. I'd missed out something more important - to pay back the ones who've mentored us. My happiness, I owed to them. And to give them a dream-come-true experience for themselves, was going to be another one of my wishes.

 Remember the time when we were kids and we were going to make the world a better place? Maybe it isn't so hard after all, as long as our world is but the circle of well wishers we cannot live without. Because these gestures of love are enough to make it a better world.

So have you made your bucket list yet? If you haven't, do so right away. And when you embark on your journey ahead, do remember to look out for the surprises life bestows upon you, and also to plant smiles on the faces of your loved ones on the way.

Once upon a dream

He stood there, leaning lazily over the parked bus, making small talk with his guy friends. I was holding my friend's arm, I don't recall whose. She was telling me something, but I wasn't listening to her. My eyes were busy scanning the crowd. They shifted from one person to the next, searching...

Lost in the disarray,

Alone, searching for thee

Finally, my eyes met his, and they settled down, now at peace. His eyes bore into mine and mine into his...lost in a trance. His lips curled into a slow smile. A smile that brought jitters in my stomach, a smile that made my heart skip a beat. I felt my own lips curve into a smile, knowing that it came right out of my heart. 

I watched as he took small, smooth steps towards me...and I hoped my racing heartbeat wasn't too loud. Everything else around us dissolved as he extended his lean, slender hand over to me. I felt my hand rise and  land itself on his own, and the tiny fingers fit into his warm and gentle grip. 

He said nothing, and neither did I, for our eyes had spoken enough. And slowly we moved, our paces in harmony. Everything else was a blur. All I could see was an endless road ahead, unknown and mysterious. But I knew I was ready for the quest, for anything...because I was happy, I was safe....and I was me. 

For dear, you are my world,

Thus steady now are mine eyes.

Our locked hands hung loosely, and then I remembered what he'd told me one day, a very long while ago, "It's you and me against  the world, so when do we attack? "

The very thought made me flush, and I found myself suppressing a grin. So on and on we walked to eternity.......until the angels from heaven descended to awaken me from my dream.

I sat up in my bed, bewildered. No way. No no no! Oh shit, there was no use dodging the obvious fact. I did have a crush on him after all. My bestie was right all along. 

I sat there, replaying the whole dream over and over again. Little did I know then, that some dreams do come true.

We call it F...oreva

Disclaimer: This post is specifically written in dedication to the XII-F Batch of 2015-16 (KV Clt-1). None of the characters mentioned below are fictional. Any resemblance to a fictional character is purely coincidental. The events described here are also a little fast-forwarded, apologies for the time warp.

***

“I’m kinda busy, is it urgent?”

“Yeah very!  NDTV 24x7, right now!”

“Fine, will get back to you, bye!”

I look at my watch – okay, I have exactly twenty minutes to eat my sandwich, check that mail, and rush over to the ISRO headquarters to meet them. And now she wants me to watch NDTV news. Great.

Stuffing the sandwich in my mouth, I switch on the TV and flip over to NDTV news channel.

*Backround Music*

A smart, gorgeous lady reporter shows up in her suit. She still has that air of command in her countenance, like I always knew she would.

‘Welcome back to NDTV Indian of the year awards 2026, and this is Aparna V K reporting from Gurgaon.’

Wait, did she want me to watch her host an award show? Urgently? Gulping my sandwich, I almost turn to switch off the TV, and that’s when I hear this –

“The last year’s seen a dramatic boost in the field of Fashion Technology and Design, all thanks to this young lady who’s made her mark in her fashion career. Let’s have a big round of applause for the NDTV Fashion icon of the year, Farzeena V L! “

Whaaaaaat?!! Wow!! That really is Farz going up on stage! Our own Farz! I shared seats with her in school, hell, I shared my chamandi with her! And Aparna too…that fab NDTV reporter….my own Appz -TRrrrrr TRrrrr-

“Hello?”

“Dashiiieeeee!!”

“Yeah Jacob, check NDTV 24x7 now. Urgent”

“What? Okay listen, there’s an architect meet in Calicut this weekend…”

“So you mean, Warrier and Kapil-“

“-are already there yes! Is the model still in the headquarters?”

“Yes, I’m going there now.”

“And I hope Anjitha-Arya duo can make it, their protein research is underway and responding well, so pretty busy with that.”

“And you, miss Billionaire?”

“Don’t call me that yet Dashy. Anyway Ankit’s found a new bug in this system, we’re working on it. Will reach once we’re done.”

“Okie-dokie… see yeh!”

Their software company is doing well. Ankit’s been the bug-finder since forever! Ahh so many people to call! I wonder where Kp is now…last time I checked he was in Mumbai. Or was it Kolkata? That boy never does stay put, but his journal sure is quite out of the ordinary.

 Uh-oh, five minutes down already.  Need to check my mail!

*Checking my phone*

You have one new mail.

*Opening mail*

Sub : Change of date

The appointment in collaboration with New Media and Google has been rescheduled to the 26^th of March. The letter of invitation is attached herewith.

P.S. We’re recruiting two new PJ’s, spread the news.

-Vibhoothi Anand

CEO, Google

*

PJ…programming  journalist; a name that caught up with me. Working full time in the IT field wasn’t exactly my thing, and thus emerged the profession that suits me the best - PJ. And now there are more of us of the same kind.

Whoops, ten minutes to go. I hope the ISRO scientists aren’t very punctual. That reminds me, what was it in the morning news about Arun? That he was perfecting some formula… based on neutrinos was it? He just might win the Nobel Prize this time. I wonder if he’s reached the town. Where’s my phone again?

*FB group chat*

12 F….oreva

Ankit Bossmark: Guys?

Me: Anku maaamaaaa!!!

Ankit Bossmark: Dashhyyy moleeeee!!

Malavika Jayaraj: Bhaaaaaaiiiiii!!!

Ankit Bossmark: Pengaleeeeee!!!

Shaikh Mushrif: (thumbs up)

Ajesh Vijayan: (thumbs up)

Arjun Haridas: (thumbs up)

Deepak Praveen left the group

Deepak Praveen was added to the group

*

Sigh. Ten years and the group got no better.

*Beeeeeep*

‘You have five minutes left to reach the ISRO headquarters’

Damn! That’s my robot, Dodo. Bless Swaroop and his top notch Robotics Company for it; comes in handy almost every day. I must leave now. My Harley Davidson, here I come! (And bless whoever made that bike too, perfect for my height :p)

*Kasturba Road junction. Signal is red.*

Alright. There goes my last five minutes.

“Darshana?”

I turn around.

“Varsha! Wow hey, long time! When are you reaching Calicut?”

“Within a week…signal’s green…see you soon then!”

And she drove off in her scooty. Things are coming out right. This is going to work. If Shivani’s back from her MNC, and Malavika gets a leave from wherever she is, that makes the ten of us. Off I go.

*Reached ISRO headquarters*

Now where did they say they would be? Oh, there’s the office.

“Excuse me? I’m Darshana Suresh, here for an appointment at three?”

“Ah yes ma’am, with the Aeronautical Scientists Kiran D.S and Akshay E?”

“Yes them”

“Room no.8 ma’am”

“Thank you”

I walk up to room no.8. Someone sneezed. Why did it sound so familiar? Wait, was he here too?

The door opens, and standing before me is our dear old laughing Buddha.

“Mushrif!”

“Hi Darshana!”

With a wide grin I’m ushered into the room to see both the other tall scientists grinning back at me. Standing among my classmates, I’m reminded of how very small I am.

“Is it ready?”

“Yeah, here it is.”

He gesturs to an irregularly shaped structure veiled with a golden tunic. Underneath the veil, as I see when uncovered, is a miniature model of our school building, complete with a tiny playground, the children’s park and the butterfly garden.

“It’s perfect isn’t it?”

I nod, unable to look away from the intricately designed structure. Kapil and Warrier got it all right.

“I bet they’ll love it.”

And then, all the four of our phones beep simultaneously.

*FB group chat*

12 F….oreva

Abhishek P Nambissan: My car broke down, no petrol.

Aparna V K: Go to Arun :p

ArUn S Raj: For the last time, I don’t work in a petrol pump! I’m the head of the petroleum department of  HP gas!

Aparna V K: Arun’s Gas :p

Vibhoothi Anand: LOL!

Me: BTW the model’s great guys!

Malavika Jayaraj: Wow, so what time?

Akshay B: 9.30 am, East Hill. When everyone’s there we’ll go to school.

Abhi Kampurath: The seminar hall, probably.

Akash KP: And then we’ll present our legendary masterpiece to the school…

Vigneshnath E.K: From 12 F 2015-16 batch.

Ankit Bossmark sent an image

*

I look back at the so called ‘legendary masterpiece’ and smile. Most of us are hardly ever anywhere close to school. And this would be our first re-union after passing out.

“Alright, let’s get this thing to Calicut!”

And the team gets busy with our little school. Yes, we’re coming back. And now that I think of it, if we ever do get a chance to meet our past selves all worried about the future, all we’re going to say is this… ‘Wait and watch dear, ‘cause you’re gonna move mountains!’

A Solitary Euphoria

A Solitary Euphoria ; source: comments20.com

“Don’t open the door if it’s someone unfamiliar.”

“Okay mom.”

“Keep the balcony closed. And chain the door too, and in case someone does-“

“-I’ll be fine ma! “

“Okay okay, lock the door. Bye. Call if you need something okay?”

“Yeah okay, bye.”

FYI, my mom isn’t going away to England, she’ll be back by evening. And no, this isn’t my first home-alone time. But then, moms will be moms. Shaking my head, I went back to my study. I stood there staring at my textbook and it stared right back at me. My eyes slowly risked a glance to my bed, and then darted back to my book, lest it found out my thought process.

Walking casually back to my table, as if I were only going to sit and spend the rest of the day with it, I halted yet again.

Should I?

I’m with you.

Owkiie-dokie. So I bid temporary goodbye to my books, grabbed my phone and hopped on to my bed.

You do know that you’ll stay glued to your phone for at least half an hour, don’t you?

And you do know that there’s nothing you can do about it don’t you?

You should clean your bed.

In a Half-hour, please?

Fine.Half-hour.

And so, I went through my routine cycle from FB to Quora to my favourite blogs and back to FB, followed by one or two Ellen DeGeneres interviews, AIB and a couple of music videos.  When I finally wasted away a good deal of my time, I got up, all rejuvenated for the cleaning.

Shall we?

Oh yes we shall.

Music up, blinds down, vibes on….here we go! A large fevicol bottle in one hand (my mike), and the other holding dad’s pants (part of the cleaning process), I danced my way to the living room and back, singing all along. And then reluctantly putting the mike away I resumed dancing with the clothes, making a fold with each beat, and then swinging my way to the closet to keep them in stack.

Naa naa naa naa naa….everybody wanna steal my girl….

Naa naa naa naa naa…..everybody wanna take her heart away….

And before I knew it, the bed bore nothing but my five pillows and a neatly folded blanket. But why should that stop me from the music?

Naa naa naan aa….oh yeah!

I naa-naa’ed my heart out till I ended up flat on the floor. Sigh, so long since I sang out loud…so long since I danced like mad…so long since I got to be with myself! I stay hidden you know, in the inside, and don’t show up unless there’s no one else around.

Then I talk with myself so much, ‘cause not another soul can understand me like I do, I laugh and dream so much, ‘cause not another soul can relate to it all like I do, I smile and do whatever that comes to mind, ‘cause not another soul can know why, like I do.

Presently… my mind turned to its favourite hobby…wandering…

Hey, remember that cute guy from that movie ?

Oh yeah, gawd those eyes…I could just look at them forever!

And there, I rushed over to my laptop to get a glimpse of that heartthrob, and soon found myself playing and replaying his movie.  Uff, that killing look! I reclined on my chair lost in la la land….slowly letting my thoughts to drift over to my crush, and feeling insanely happy to think of him. Then I got up once again slamming the laptop shut, and I ran around the house like a free bird, the way Ranbir Kapoor did in Tamasha. And then I sat down on the floor again, hugging my knees, with a stupid grin on the face.

Aah, such bliss!

I love being with you!

I know right?!

 I wonder if everyone talks to their other side, like I do with you.

 I don’t know, just the mere idea of talking to you seemed absurd to my friends.

Like I said, not another soul can understand this euphoria of mine. They’d call it split personalities. But no one’s going to know about it anyway, about our long conversations, our dreams, and wishes, and secrets together. No one. They say that in the end, you’re alone in this world…but isn’t it enough to just have you? There’s so much more to you than you can even imagine. I know because I discover myself a little more each time I’m on my own. And if I were accompanied by anybody else all the time, that other side would’ve never showed up, and I would’ve never known about that amazing (ahem) side of mine.

And now, I cherish my own company, which somehow forms the elixir of my life.

You know there probably are people who are one and the same inside and out.

Rare.

Aye, rare. But there must be. Lucky them for having themselves as a whole all along.

But then, there’s no fun in bringing you out all the while!

Uh-huh…The less you reveal…

…the more they wonder!

*DinG DOnG*

Mom’s here? Already? Wow, time flies. I went up to open the door and felt the inner me slowly sink back in.

“Did someone come?”

“No ma, no one.” Except for my other side.

“Oh good, you folded all the clothes!”

I grinned. That’s how you satisfy mom when you’re not studying, no questions raised about that. And now, my mood to study had returned, and I was back at my table to resume where I left off.

 I guess that euphoria with the hidden side surfaces mostly because of being suppressed for long. It’s good though, for I sure wouldn’t want to spend my every day in wonderland.That would be a life with no purpose. No. It is enchanting only when once in a blue moon.
So until the next time we meet, dear me, let’s get busy with life!

Dream, Disappear...and Fly !

Dream, Disappear, and Fly ! source: gloveo.com 

"Dream big beta, and do whatever you love, because ultimately you're the one who's going to live your life, and no one else but you will suffer if their choices for you don't match with your own."

Huh. Here I sit, ten days away from board exams, and my mind still refuses to stand still. Torn between the urge to satisfy the well-wishers, and the impulses from the heart. It stays calm on the brink, unable to decide which side to step into. Frightened of taking risks, in want of peacefulness of the mind. And I suppose you mustn't have made head or tail of what I've said so far.

Hello there reader, I'm contemplating who you might be. Some random stranger from Russia, Europe or Australia (As far as my blogger statistics is concerned) who stumbled upon my blog and then left without a word?  Or are you one of those kind strangers who leave behind a small message that makes my day? Or are you one of my friends who remembered out of the blue that I had a blog, and checked for a new post just in case (since they have nothing better to do anyway)?

In any case, I don't see how this random writing triggered from directionless musings will be of any use to you. I write all the same because the peace that I don't find in normalcy is well replaced by the relief that comes out of words. I wish I could call myself a logophile, but I'm afraid my vocab isn't comparable to one who is supposed to be a lover of words.

Let's get back to business; or in other words, the disruption of my calm. Dream. Yes I have a dream, not very well focused, but a dream all the same. Through the past two years I've been nurturing it, giving shape to it, and falling in love with it...only in the end to be told "Oh ho...that is your dream huh? You keep it aside for now, we'll think about it later okay? Now you keep studying what you are studying, never mind if you don't like it, because you are better than many others at it! And I know you will shine in it, I know you will!"

Well, to 'keep aside' is to me 'nurture it further more', only that it makes no sense to simply venture into something else when you know you have a path for your own. And the mind is once again in turmoil as to whether or not I must re-consider my ways.

And yet I know no one can ultimately form a barrier to my destiny, but isn't it naive to do something for the sake of it, because everyone else seems to be doing the same? Life is about taking risks, why wait till the fire within slowly burns out, when you can ignite the world with your spark right now?

If none of this still makes sense, I can only apologize, because to elaborate will be hurtful to some, and I can empathize with all the ones who are there to decide for me, and do not wish to hurt them.

Strangely enough, what I want right now is to disappear into the abyss of wilderness. I want to read every damn book I should've read in the past seventeen years. I want to live a thousand lives through these amazing narratives, and I want to write the millennia of thoughts brimming out of my vagabond mind. I want to be lost in the sea of smiles from the past, and I want to build myself for tomorrow. I want to just be with myself, and and be let free to be. Yeah, I want to go to that land where time does not exist.

Sigh. Its okay, I know. I know that my frustrations are trivial. I know that you have them in your life too, whether you're someone from the other part of the Earth from a different time zone, or someone from my own batch in school with more or less the same situation. That's what makes us one and the same isn't it? All the trauma that makes us question life, and all the love that answers the meaning of existence.

Well then, let me step back into the world of normalcy, where you work, eat and sleep everyday, and occasionally steal some pleasures. And you do the same too. But do stop once in a while, and let your mind wander. As for me, I'm gonna put on my invisibility cloak and disappear into Narnia. I would return after years of magic, but to you the same time would be but a blink of the eye.

Let your mind discover the hidden depths within you, and then you too can join me :)

The Road Taken

I could sense the old man halt as I overtook him. He looked like one of those tramps you see in the roadsides who talk to themselves. You don't see a lot of people on foot along this road, and his being there was outlandish. Nevertheless, I walked on without a second glance, for my legs were not used to any halts during my walks... my walks along that road. The Road.

The sun beamed down at me, radiating just about the right warmth. The wayside shrubs swayed in the breeze, the aroma perfecting the evening. Of course, it was the road, how could it not be perfect? Every now and then, a car or two whizzed past, leaving my loose strands of hair flying. A flash of memory ... "Careful, don't get blown off in the wind." he'd say, and move to the vehicle-side of the road in a protective gesture. I'd grin and reply, "Careful, don't let the vehicles get blown off!"  

I was smiling. It was the road. It always brought smiles.

It started off three years ago, my truce with this road, long and lonely, winding and windy. I wasn't alone back then. A time of jubilance to make for home with friends, to walk along together, slow with our own time, instead of the school buses that took us straight home. A time when the exhaustion from the walk was exhilarating and worth it, even when the school bus could've dropped us off unwearied and unscathed, even when other ways could get us home earlier, or perhaps shadier. A time we hadn't realized the real length of the road, too busy wasting away our laughs.

They asked me why I went that way. I had one excuse after another...'cause how could I explain to them those magical moments of companionship? And when I ran out of reasons, I told them I liked to walk. And so, the walks continued. I walked and walked...till I fell in love with it, like I told them that I did. 

And today I walk alone, with that old tramp behind me being the only other presence. And yet they ask me, why? Why still that too long a road? And I found myself asking the same. With all those little lies I made to steal a few laughs, to have golden moments, the true reason was forgotten in the end. And all I knew was that somehow, I'd made a truce with the road. Because with time as my company varied, for me the road was the same. And now it showers upon me my past, and plants a smile as I journey through it.

Did I perhaps still have that hope? Of reviving those unforgotten days? Dubious as I am, I know better...better than to linger with what was and is no more. As I walked once again today, I knew it wasn't for the unforgotten. I was irrationally in love with the road, that in some bizarre way felt homely, and in some enchanting way was divine.

It seems longer now than it ever was, and yet I find myself journey through it. And every now and then I laugh to myself, with sudden recollections of our walks in old times. Every now and then I happily hum in my head, when the road brings sudden jolts of exultation. Every now and then I am reminded of my woes, and the quiet of the road helps me brood, uninterrupted and free. There just couldn't be a better place for an introvert, no better way to escape from what everyone claims to be a necessarily busy and difficult life. 

As much as we wish to move on, there is always the tiniest little part of us that clings to the past, and if let loose could overpower our present and make us escape reality. But as long as I only let the essence of the deeply etched memories touch me and not  revert the past itself, it is but a reason to smile today. And no smile can ever go into nothingness.

No matter how different life may turn out to be tomorrow, I know that the road will fondly welcome my return, my memories awaiting to be embraced. Like Dr Seuss said, I've decided to not cry because it's over, but instead smile because it happened. :)