You Left Without A Word

Gone. Lost. I don't know for how long.

I know we weren't very good together. But haven't you put up with me since day one in school? With you, everything was so much easier. We'd climb mountains together, and reach such great heights! And my friends'd look at us in awe, slightly jealous for not having you for themselves.

Yet after all that we've been through together, you chose to elude me now. Now when I need you the most. For ten years you stood by me, never once was there a betrayal. Maybe that's why I took you for granted. But don't think I hadn't noticed our relationship dwindle in the past two years. Don't think I didn't see the distance   creep in between us. I tried to ignore it, but it was too obvious not to notice. You were around, but never quite with me. Is it because I've spent too much time with those others you don't agree with? Or is it because I never appreciated you much all along?

I hadn't known then that you would disappear so soon. And now it frightens me to think of my years ahead without you. I've been searching high and low for you, hoping you're somewhere around the corner and only just playing games with me. I waited for you to pop out of the blue and exclaim that you'd never left, that you were only fooling around with me, that you would always be by my side. But you never came. 

Two hours. That's how long I've been sitting before my books. Four days. That's how long I have left to study for the exam. My mom's noticed your absence too, though she did not bring it up with me until now in fear of disappointing me. I've tried to convince her that you'd be back soon, that everything would be fine, and secretly wished  my words were true. 

Where are you? These fat books around are scaring me. The chalk white pages are blinding, the letters hard to decipher. Everyone is beginning to notice your departure, and they're taking advantage of it. They're calling out to me right now...that Jane Austen book on the table, the Rubiks cube left undone, the piano badly missing my fingers, and even the plain wall that's made itself interesting, only for me. And yet you don't show up. 

My interest to study. 

Gone. Lost. And I don't know for how long.

Pic Source: gallerily.com

#This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Standing out

She stood by her bedroom window, peeking out at the little crowd outside. There were the kids in the neighborhood who hung out everyday. But she wasn't looking for them. She was looking for her, that new girl who'd moved in. She probably didn't know anyone in here. Would she go out to join them?

Too many tree leaves blocked her view from the window; she could only hear their loud laughter. Swivelling from where she stood, she caught a glimpse of long curly hair. No. That couldn't be. The curly haired head turned sideways to reveal a cheerful face. Her face. So the new girl joined them. And made friends with them, and now laughed with them too. Something she was unable to do despite living in the same neighborhood for the past three years.

How did she do that? That girl's been here for barely 2 days! She looked on from the window, feeling hopelessly left out of all the fun. It wasn't like she never tried. She did go out when she first moved to the place. She did play a little with them, but she still wasn't considered to be in the group. That was okay, because she was new to the place. She assumed time would patch things up. Only that it didn't.

She stopped going out and stayed indoors with her books. Who needed outdoor friends when she could sit home reading lovely books! And so life was good for a long time. Until she showed up, Miss Curly hair. She was her same age, and in her same school. But obviously not the same as her, because Miss Curly could joke with them, while she couldn't. Miss Curly could go out and not worry about feeling lonely, but she couldn't.

That was it. She decided to stop pitying herself. Donning on her shoes, she swaggered her way to the group, looked straight at Miss Curly and said "Hi. We haven't met have we?" She expected an awkward silence; the rest of the group to give a blank stare. But none of it happened. "No we haven't" replied Miss Curly pleasantly, "Hi!"

Slowly, she blended in. People came and asked her where she had been in the past few years and she answered them patiently. She went out with them now, and played with them too. In two years she and Curly had become very close friends. But something was still amiss. She still wasn't in the group. She still felt left out.

With time, she stopped going out once again, back to square one. She had stuff to do indoors, and no time to idle about for hours with the group. They called her the nerd who studied all the time. They claimed the poor girl was confined to her home. But she wasn't. She'd just stopped forcing herself to change her ways to fit in.

Each time she'd returned from the group, there was this uncomfortable hollowness. But every time she chose to stay home with all that was dear to her, she felt fulfilled. It was only a matter of what she chose to do.

She decided to embrace the introvert that she was. It didn't matter if she wasn't like everybody else. She'd accepted who she was, and had fallen in love with it too. And that was all that mattered.

When I found my Best Friend

Source : We Share Pics

"Who is your best friend?"

The six year old girl looked up at the old man sitting before her. This was a very easy question. Of course she knew who her best friend was, in fact everybody did. She went about telling every person she knew about her bestest friend, whom she loved so much that she even sacrificed a barbie set for her!

The little girl's mother was stroking her tiny hair. "Answer doctor uncle, Poo." her mom whispered into her ears. Poo now shifted her attention to her mommy, who was nodding encouragingly at her.

"So, who is your best friend?" asked the doctor again, his pleasant smile filling the room with warmth. Lifting up her chin in pride, Poo told him her best friend's name, "Sanya!".
 She knew that there could be nobody like the two of them, 'BFFs' as they were.  But why was the doctor shaking his head?

"No." he said, " She is not your best friend." Poo was confused. How could Sanya not be her best friend? If not her, who could it be? Her cute little brows creased as she tried to figure out her other best friends.
"Aishwarya?" she tried again. But the doctor shook his head this time too. Now Poo started getting a little scared.  What was the doctor saying? Did she not have a best friend?

The doctor smiled at the little girl's perplexity. Putting on a serious face, he looked straight at Poo and said, "Your best friend is sitting right next to you."
Poo blinked. The doctor was pointing at her mother. "Mommy?"
The doctor nodded. "There is nobody else who will be your bestest friend more than your mommy, understand?" Little Poo nodded, surprised.
"So the next time someone asks you who your best friend is, what will you say?"
"Momma." said little Poo, feeling slightly ashamed for not knowing it earlier.

Eleven years later, Poo sat in her room with a circle of fat reference books for studies.  She was confused and worried. Her aunt had just messaged her asking what she was doing for mother's day this time. 'I don't know', she'd replied, feeling slightly guilty. Well, what could she do? Her entrance exam was due and her sister was flying to Germany for an interview the same day. There was no time for spotless-clean-kitchen surprises or making their almost-edible rock-cakes this time. Hell, they did not even have a hand made card.

She rang up her sister, wondering if they must make something despite their busy schedule.
"No." she'd said over the phone, "It's okay. Mom would understand. We don't need a specific day to do something special. It's the other way round. We could spend any day with her and it'd turn out to be special. "

Of course, this one day won't make any difference would it? Poo sat pondering when her mother showed up with a cup of watermelon shake.
"Don't study too hard. Take a break will you? Go for your...what was that word again? ootwayoon...go do that."
Poo grinned at her mom, "It's uitwaaein*." she said, "And no ma, I'm not in the mood."
"Don't be so boring." said her mom, shaking her head.

Poo watched her mother take the empty cup and leave the room. Yeah, she'd understand. She was her best friend. And it was not just because the doctor uncle said so. She'd realized it over the years.

*uitwaaein- a Dutch word that means to take a break to clear one's mind.
(Credits to Fabulus and the Blue life #AtoZChallenge )

Paralysed !!

I was pacing up and down my room, trying to recall all the formulas I'd just learnt. Sigh, I was gonna screw the test this time too. Mom was in my room for the third time, asking me to get to sleep. I looked up at the clock - ten past twelve. Maybe it was time to get some sleep.

So I lay down in bed, lights off...and sleep chose to elude me. I lay still, watching the curtains sway slowly in the wind. I shut my eyes in the hope of driftng off to sleep. But I felt something stiff near my ears. Did I forget to remove my spectacles? I lifted my arm to check...only to notice that no arm came up. I tried again, and felt my arm glued to the bed. What was with my arm?

I tried opening my eyes to have a look, but my eyelids wouldn't budge. And then I did what any sane human would do at the time. I panicked. I tried to lift my whole body and felt myself get exhausted with the effort. And yet my body hadn't moved an inch. The wind from the ceiling fan grew louder and louder still, and I knew all too well at that moment that my nightmare had returned. Again.

It wasn't the first time, yet I couldn't stay calm. I knew I was dreaming but it did not make it any better. I tried opening my mouth to scream, despite knowing that it would be futile. Every ounce of strength I had was wasted away in my efforts. My body wasn't under my control; all that existed was my consciousness. I screamed from within, flung my arms and legs wildly in my mind, but my body stay as still as a rock.

I lay there, silently wishing for my mom to come and wake me up. I was afraid that if I didn't wake up soon, I would remain as such, paralysed....forever? With all the voice and strength from within I slowly whispered for mom...only to hear nothing.

All of a sudden, my eyes popped open with a jerk. I was breathing heavily, in shock of what just happened. I found the curtains swishing just as it had been. I sat up in my bed. I was fine. What was this recurring nightmare? And how was it that I was conscious at the time? How could I think rationally? Fear is born with the unknown. I was afraid of what was happening.

With the fear and wanting to stay awake for the rest of the night, I do not know when I drifted off again.
A few days later, I was browsing through FB when I found this...

I googled it up, and heaved a sigh of relief. It had a name! And it was common, and harmless! Sleep paralysis, they called it. And I discovered that my version was way better than the monsters and demons that other people had seen (Just look at that scary picture!). At least now I knew, and it did not scare me anymore.

It so happens that when the exhausted mind does not synchronize with the body. the body tend to fall asleep sooner than the brain, and it has a good time scaring the hell out of you until it too relaxes down. Now I knew what to do the next time, all I needed to do was to calm myself down, not fight back, and wait for it to get over.

But it seems like my brain has accepted defeat, for I ain't scared of it anymore. And the nightmare hasn't paid a visit since.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I know it is terrible, and it is the scariest shit one can dream of...but believe me, there are ways to deal with it and it's simple too. And maybe who knows, you might actually enjoy it the next time (not kidding - there are people who love it!) 

Have you made your bucket list?

This little guy came to me as a birthday gift. My froggy bank.
"Stash all your secrets in it." he'd said when giving it to me.
 Well, I had my diary for that. I knew what to do with this little froggy; it was going to hold my secret wish list. So that every day when I wake up and find its cute 'V'-smile and those rosey cheeks, I'm reminded of all the things that are left to be done.

Remember the time when we were kids and we told people how we'd grow up and make the world a better place? And then we grew up and discovered that it wasn't as easy as it seems. And remember when we grew into a teen later and dreamt of having all the fun we could possibly have in our lifetime? And then...oh well...I'm not sure about what follows next because I'm presently in the same phase.

Surely, we've all had those round table discussions with our buddies about our bucket lists. All the travel destinations from Louvre Palace to Machu Pichu...all those adventures from sky diving to snorkelling...all those people to meet from our favourite author to the favourite band...and all the things to do from getting a tattoo to running a marathon or writing a book...

Every now and then I'd tell my froggy bank of my new found wishes. And then one day someone asked if I'd ever done any of it yet. I began having a flashback of all the good times of the past. I was beginning to say I did, and that's when I realized something.  That I'd done and gotten much more than what I'd imagined.

This list that I continue to make is all about what I long for; what I might do much later in life. It could simply be a bundle of fantasies I crave for and will laugh at and sigh in the future. Because it tells of all that hasn't happened so far, and all that needs to be done. But what it did not tell, was about all the things that has already happened, the things I haven't wished for.

That's when I noticed that even though plenty more was left to be done, life had its way of surprising us with things we never dreamed of. And when we're busy in pursuit of our secret wish list, we may not value enough the pleasures and surprises showered upon us on the way. If only we look at all that we've had so far filtering off the worries, we'd notice how extraordinary our lives have been.

As I sat there with a piece of paper to jot down yet another spontaneous wish that came across my mind, I was reminded of all the adventures that I'd had so far.

What are our lives without our wish lists? To have a dream is what keeps us going. Else, it is a mere survival, and to live, survival does not suffice. Now as the piece of paper gave me a 'blank' stare, I knew what to write. Enough of junketing around with wild ideas. I'd missed out something more important - to pay back the ones who've mentored us. My happiness, I owed to them. And to give them a dream-come-true experience for themselves, was going to be another one of my wishes.

 Remember the time when we were kids and we were going to make the world a better place? Maybe it isn't so hard after all, as long as our world is but the circle of well wishers we cannot live without. Because these gestures of love are enough to make it a better world.

So have you made your bucket list yet? If you haven't, do so right away. And when you embark on your journey ahead, do remember to look out for the surprises life bestows upon you, and also to plant smiles on the faces of your loved ones on the way.

Once upon a dream

He stood there, leaning lazily over the parked bus, making small talk with his guy friends. I was holding my friend's arm, I don't recall whose. She was telling me something, but I wasn't listening to her. My eyes were busy scanning the crowd. They shifted from one person to the next, searching...

Lost in the disarray,

Alone, searching for thee

Finally, my eyes met his, and they settled down, now at peace. His eyes bore into mine and mine into his...lost in a trance. His lips curled into a slow smile. A smile that brought jitters in my stomach, a smile that made my heart skip a beat. I felt my own lips curve into a smile, knowing that it came right out of my heart. 

I watched as he took small, smooth steps towards me...and I hoped my racing heartbeat wasn't too loud. Everything else around us dissolved as he extended his lean, slender hand over to me. I felt my hand rise and  land itself on his own, and the tiny fingers fit into his warm and gentle grip. 

He said nothing, and neither did I, for our eyes had spoken enough. And slowly we moved, our paces in harmony. Everything else was a blur. All I could see was an endless road ahead, unknown and mysterious. But I knew I was ready for the quest, for anything...because I was happy, I was safe....and I was me. 

For dear, you are my world,

Thus steady now are mine eyes.

Our locked hands hung loosely, and then I remembered what he'd told me one day, a very long while ago, "It's you and me against  the world, so when do we attack? "

The very thought made me flush, and I found myself suppressing a grin. So on and on we walked to eternity.......until the angels from heaven descended to awaken me from my dream.

I sat up in my bed, bewildered. No way. No no no! Oh shit, there was no use dodging the obvious fact. I did have a crush on him after all. My bestie was right all along. 

I sat there, replaying the whole dream over and over again. Little did I know then, that some dreams do come true.

We call it F...oreva

Disclaimer: This post is specifically written in dedication to the XII-F Batch of 2015-16 (KV Clt-1). None of the characters mentioned below are fictional. Any resemblance to a fictional character is purely coincidental. The events described here are also a little fast-forwarded, apologies for the time warp.

***

“I’m kinda busy, is it urgent?”

“Yeah very!  NDTV 24x7, right now!”

“Fine, will get back to you, bye!”

I look at my watch – okay, I have exactly twenty minutes to eat my sandwich, check that mail, and rush over to the ISRO headquarters to meet them. And now she wants me to watch NDTV news. Great.

Stuffing the sandwich in my mouth, I switch on the TV and flip over to NDTV news channel.

*Backround Music*

A smart, gorgeous lady reporter shows up in her suit. She still has that air of command in her countenance, like I always knew she would.

‘Welcome back to NDTV Indian of the year awards 2026, and this is Aparna V K reporting from Gurgaon.’

Wait, did she want me to watch her host an award show? Urgently? Gulping my sandwich, I almost turn to switch off the TV, and that’s when I hear this –

“The last year’s seen a dramatic boost in the field of Fashion Technology and Design, all thanks to this young lady who’s made her mark in her fashion career. Let’s have a big round of applause for the NDTV Fashion icon of the year, Farzeena V L! “

Whaaaaaat?!! Wow!! That really is Farz going up on stage! Our own Farz! I shared seats with her in school, hell, I shared my chamandi with her! And Aparna too…that fab NDTV reporter….my own Appz -TRrrrrr TRrrrr-

“Hello?”

“Dashiiieeeee!!”

“Yeah Jacob, check NDTV 24x7 now. Urgent”

“What? Okay listen, there’s an architect meet in Calicut this weekend…”

“So you mean, Warrier and Kapil-“

“-are already there yes! Is the model still in the headquarters?”

“Yes, I’m going there now.”

“And I hope Anjitha-Arya duo can make it, their protein research is underway and responding well, so pretty busy with that.”

“And you, miss Billionaire?”

“Don’t call me that yet Dashy. Anyway Ankit’s found a new bug in this system, we’re working on it. Will reach once we’re done.”

“Okie-dokie… see yeh!”

Their software company is doing well. Ankit’s been the bug-finder since forever! Ahh so many people to call! I wonder where Kp is now…last time I checked he was in Mumbai. Or was it Kolkata? That boy never does stay put, but his journal sure is quite out of the ordinary.

 Uh-oh, five minutes down already.  Need to check my mail!

*Checking my phone*

You have one new mail.

*Opening mail*

Sub : Change of date

The appointment in collaboration with New Media and Google has been rescheduled to the 26^th of March. The letter of invitation is attached herewith.

P.S. We’re recruiting two new PJ’s, spread the news.

-Vibhoothi Anand

CEO, Google

*

PJ…programming  journalist; a name that caught up with me. Working full time in the IT field wasn’t exactly my thing, and thus emerged the profession that suits me the best - PJ. And now there are more of us of the same kind.

Whoops, ten minutes to go. I hope the ISRO scientists aren’t very punctual. That reminds me, what was it in the morning news about Arun? That he was perfecting some formula… based on neutrinos was it? He just might win the Nobel Prize this time. I wonder if he’s reached the town. Where’s my phone again?

*FB group chat*

12 F….oreva

Ankit Bossmark: Guys?

Me: Anku maaamaaaa!!!

Ankit Bossmark: Dashhyyy moleeeee!!

Malavika Jayaraj: Bhaaaaaaiiiiii!!!

Ankit Bossmark: Pengaleeeeee!!!

Shaikh Mushrif: (thumbs up)

Ajesh Vijayan: (thumbs up)

Arjun Haridas: (thumbs up)

Deepak Praveen left the group

Deepak Praveen was added to the group

*

Sigh. Ten years and the group got no better.

*Beeeeeep*

‘You have five minutes left to reach the ISRO headquarters’

Damn! That’s my robot, Dodo. Bless Swaroop and his top notch Robotics Company for it; comes in handy almost every day. I must leave now. My Harley Davidson, here I come! (And bless whoever made that bike too, perfect for my height :p)

*Kasturba Road junction. Signal is red.*

Alright. There goes my last five minutes.

“Darshana?”

I turn around.

“Varsha! Wow hey, long time! When are you reaching Calicut?”

“Within a week…signal’s green…see you soon then!”

And she drove off in her scooty. Things are coming out right. This is going to work. If Shivani’s back from her MNC, and Malavika gets a leave from wherever she is, that makes the ten of us. Off I go.

*Reached ISRO headquarters*

Now where did they say they would be? Oh, there’s the office.

“Excuse me? I’m Darshana Suresh, here for an appointment at three?”

“Ah yes ma’am, with the Aeronautical Scientists Kiran D.S and Akshay E?”

“Yes them”

“Room no.8 ma’am”

“Thank you”

I walk up to room no.8. Someone sneezed. Why did it sound so familiar? Wait, was he here too?

The door opens, and standing before me is our dear old laughing Buddha.

“Mushrif!”

“Hi Darshana!”

With a wide grin I’m ushered into the room to see both the other tall scientists grinning back at me. Standing among my classmates, I’m reminded of how very small I am.

“Is it ready?”

“Yeah, here it is.”

He gesturs to an irregularly shaped structure veiled with a golden tunic. Underneath the veil, as I see when uncovered, is a miniature model of our school building, complete with a tiny playground, the children’s park and the butterfly garden.

“It’s perfect isn’t it?”

I nod, unable to look away from the intricately designed structure. Kapil and Warrier got it all right.

“I bet they’ll love it.”

And then, all the four of our phones beep simultaneously.

*FB group chat*

12 F….oreva

Abhishek P Nambissan: My car broke down, no petrol.

Aparna V K: Go to Arun :p

ArUn S Raj: For the last time, I don’t work in a petrol pump! I’m the head of the petroleum department of  HP gas!

Aparna V K: Arun’s Gas :p

Vibhoothi Anand: LOL!

Me: BTW the model’s great guys!

Malavika Jayaraj: Wow, so what time?

Akshay B: 9.30 am, East Hill. When everyone’s there we’ll go to school.

Abhi Kampurath: The seminar hall, probably.

Akash KP: And then we’ll present our legendary masterpiece to the school…

Vigneshnath E.K: From 12 F 2015-16 batch.

Ankit Bossmark sent an image

*

I look back at the so called ‘legendary masterpiece’ and smile. Most of us are hardly ever anywhere close to school. And this would be our first re-union after passing out.

“Alright, let’s get this thing to Calicut!”

And the team gets busy with our little school. Yes, we’re coming back. And now that I think of it, if we ever do get a chance to meet our past selves all worried about the future, all we’re going to say is this… ‘Wait and watch dear, ‘cause you’re gonna move mountains!’