I Am Enough - #FridayReflections

Source: wallpaperswide.com

The room was crowded save for a few seats. The club secretary was on the dais with the mike, commencing the function with the usual pleasantries. I scanned the rows full of familiar faces, looking for someone who might remember me. Of course, being regular in the club did not mean I met up with people. I only tagged along with my parents, it being daddy's office club.

Soon enough a girl in a pretty lehenga rose from among the crowd. She was walking up to the stage just as a thunderous applause erupted from the audience. Of course, everyone knew her. She was the star kid in there; the dancing damsel who won the national scholarship. Excellent singer too. She never failed to dazzle the crowd with her voice, and here she was on stage with a promising performance yet again.

Next to where she had been sitting were three other girls around my age. Silky hair, dangling earrings, stunning dress, they had it all. I could tell they had their own performances lined up after the damsel on the dais. Taking the only extra seat nearby, I gave them a candid wave. The one next to me beamed, "Oh hey there, how' you doing?" "Great!" I reply, " And you? Got any group programme coming up?"
"Ah yes we had a fusion dance all set up but it turns out they can't play the song here, technical issues."
"Ohh...that's sad. So all of you singing?"
"Yeah, I'm up next."
"Oh great."
"Yeah!"
And that was the end of the conversation. For the next fifteen minutes I sat pretending like I was keenly listening to their conversation when truthfully they were simply oblivious to my presence.

It was nothing new. They were close, just not with me. I was out of place here. I did not sing. There was this once when they made me, and my cacophony left them convinced never to call me up on stage again. And I did not dance, unless they wanted a flimsy, wobbly joker to laugh at. And I did not have pretty skirts or dresses to adorn on these so called parties. I was not like them. I was not enough.

One party after another, I would sit there with the gang quiet as can be with occasional queries from people- "But dear, why don't you dance? Then surely you must sing?" while I go, "No aunty I don't." with the politest smile possible. Sometimes I thought I noticed some pity in their eyes. Not surprising was it? Because I was simply not enough.

Until that one day when things changed. It was the annual day and they had competitions, one among them being the poetry recital. I was excited, for here was finally a chance to perform! I had my favourite poem ready, and recited it with all my heart in my very own way. They aah-ed and ooh-ed as I sang my lines. They patted my back and shook my hand. And many times more I returned to the stage.

Eventually they ceased asking me why I did not sing. Instead they asked me, "Dear, did you write anything new lately?" And for me, that was enough.

I saw the pity in their eyes vanish with looks of pride. Certainly I did not sing or dance. But I wrote, and it made up for all else. I was the writer in the club. And yes, I was enough.

Linking with Write Tribe's #FridayReflections on the prompt 'I am enough' -Brene Brown 

I Too Have A Blog Story

Beside a nicely furnished wall embellished with widgets of varying kinds sat a young girl who was considerably proud of it. She would be of course, since it was her own creation. The dash of yellow and brown all over wasn't exactly her plan, but it somehow ended up that way and she liked it too. One would think she had a special taste for shades of brown, but she loved violet and purple more. Unfortunately, those colours did not go quite well with the design.

In this self-crafted wall of hers, she had begun exploring herself, letting her mind wander to discover wonders she couldn't have fathomed otherwise. And each time she reached such a trance, the only word that escaped her lips was.... wow!

And so up above on her wall, was its crown yielding the words, 'Wandering Wows'. People usually called it her 'blog', but she preferred to call it her home. Over the months, she watched strangers come and peek in. Some days nobody came. At other days dozens showed up. A very tiny fraction of them were so kind as to tell her how much they liked her 'home', and she couldn't have been happier. But then it was so rare that it almost seemed unreal. She didn't know what was wrong...

Until one fine day, she was directed from the central library of Google to a city called IndiBlogger. In no time she was furnished an identity card for her IndiBlogger citizenship. Feeling immensely elated and slightly proud, she stepped foot in this so called blogger city, and was she spellbound! For before her were hundreds of thousands of walls like hers, only much bigger, and much much prettier!

 Excited as she was, she rushed over to the first wall before her. But she came out soon enough disappointed, for that wall told her things she did not care to know. So she tried the next one, and the next, and the next. But none simply matched her genre or likes. She knew she had to visit other people's walls. Google had told her to, else she wouldn't grow. And she wanted to grow. But soon enough she'd figured out exactly what to do.

Standing at one end of a long row of walls, shoe laces and hair taut, she was ready. In one swift jog across the street, her plan was to call out to every blogger on the way that she loved their blog and ask them to please visit hers. She would then fling her card with her address at each stop, hoping they'd pay a visit. Them bloggers shall be happy for the compliment, and she wouldn't have to read any of the walls she did not like.

And so the next day she sat beside her home again and waited. Maybe a couple more people did stop by that day, but she couldn't tell. Perhaps the people out there weren't kind enough to visit? But she wasn't one to give up, and so once again she jogged her way across a different street.

She ran an extra mile this time, and stumbled upon a wall she felt unusually attracted to. It wasn't a part of the plan, but she paused her jog and sat down. She read through the whole wall, and for the first time wasn't bored. It was her first, it was special, and surprisingly she wanted more. Along the side bar was a door to the 'Archives', and that was where she spent the rest of the day.

The next day she returned to the same wall and read some more, forgetting for a while about wanting to lure people to her own space. She'd noticed the hundreds that came to this wall everyday, some of whom constantly exchanged brilliant ideas. But she was too shy to speak. She followed the familiar faces to their own walls instead, and found herself engrossed in them too.

With time, as she explored new cities and streets, she marveled at the immensity of what they called the 'Blogosphere'. All this time she hadn't known the multitude of what she was now a part of. All that she knew was that nobody even knew she existed.

Whilst she remained a nobody, she learned. She learnt that the continent of Social Networks had a flourishing trade with the Blogoshpere, and so she began her own business from the centres in Twitter and Facebook. She learnt that the Blogosphere had intriguing activities at different places, so she made her presence in them hoping to make some friends. She learnt that she was still a novice awed by the amazing bloggers out there constantly proving their talents, and she vowed to try her best to be like them one day.

And as she learned, she had her wow moments now and then. Like when the visitor count shot up from ten to a hundred. Like when some veteran bloggers she hugely admired dropped by. Like when some people began exchanging ideas with her too. And like when some remembered her enough to return for more. She'd realized that she had evolved from a 'nobody' to a 'somebody'. It wasn't very great she knew, but at least it was a start.

 At present, this 'somebody' girl with a wandering mind had the courage to carry on. She knew that no matter what happened in her 'real' world, she would always have this home in the Blogosphere to return to.

Because by now, a part of her soul was within Wandering Wows, perhaps her first horcrux. And with that she could wander along with the whispers of her vagabond mind, until the very end.

                                                              

The Liebster's Here !

Dear Vinay Leo R from I Rhyme Without Reason has bestowed me with the Liebster Award and here's a BIG thanks to him for the same. Despite being awarded for the fourth time, he was kind enough to pass it on to his new friends in the blogosphere. :)

So here are the rules of the award...

• Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
• Display the Liebster Award on your blog.
• Share 11 random facts about yourself.
• Answer the 11 questions you were asked.
• Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers for the Award and have them answer 11 questions.
• Let the other bloggers know you’ve nominated them.
• Copy the rules into your post

     Here we go, 11 facts about me...

1.  I'm short
2.  l love to daydream
3.  I love Snickers chocolate (and you may get me one the next time you meet me)
4.  I don't watch TV
5.  But I do watch American series and sometimes Anime (in PC)
6.  I love taking solo walks
7.  I often go to my terrace at night for introspection and some me time
8.  I wish I didn't have to sleep at all
9.  I like to be always on the move, and keep myself busy
10.  I'm not good at picking favourites
11.  I ask at least five people before taking a decision

. . .

     And here's Leo's questionnaire

 1.  One memory that you cherish from your school days?

 -      Bunking classes in groups, and feeling like spies while dodging teachers in corridors.

 2.  Your favourite fiction novel, and why?
  - Like I said, not good at favourites. But I guess I'll go for Harry Potter, and you must know why!

 3.  One thing you'd always tend to be forgetful of?
  - Uhmm....I can't remember :p

 4.  One thing you do to regain calmness when you are upset?
  - Write. Always.

 5. A food and/or beverage you love having on a rainy day?
  - Freshly brewed tea <3

 6.  One thing you wish people would stop pestering you about?
  - Future plans! They'll know about it soon enough in the future right? They should stop asking!! (Or maybe it's just a different way of saying I don't have a proper answer :p )

 7.  Favourite among all your nicknames and why?
  - Dashy. Because the only other ones are Dachu and Piggy out of which the former is my childhood name and the latter was framed by my idiots (or 'friends')

 8.  A rose in a bouquet or in the garden?
  - Garden, the biggest bouquet in itself.

 9. A part of social network that irritates you?
  - "Hey" - "Hey" -"Sup?" -" Nothing much, you?" - "same" - "hmm" - "wat els?"
   These kind of conversations. If they have nothing to say, why message at all?

10. That place that you love returning to for vacation?.
  - My grandparents' place.  Nothing beats that. If only I didn't get fatter each time I returned!

11. Favorite day of the year, and why?
  - New year's eve. There's some magic in that day, the flashback of the whole year  before you, and remembering all those people who mattered to you the most.

. . .

 I'd like to nominate the following awesome bloggers for the award, hoping they'd accept it and pass it on, with no obligations though. In case they've already gotten the award, I suppose they're worth getting it twice then. ;)

1. Ramya Rao P at Words & Me
2. Sunita Rajwade at Mumbai On a High
3. Sampada Raje at My Musings
4. Geetika Gupta at Boisterous Bee
5. Ankita Shukla at Mojito With A Twist
6. Sriram at Sriram Warrier
7. Geetashree Chatteerjee at Mindspeak-Vanderloost
8. Chandana Sreetha at Boongbangeverything
9. Athira Jim at Bewitched By Words
10. Sidra Nadeem at Imperfectly Perfect Life
11. Karan Shah at Scribble

...

  My Questions for the nominees

 1. What made you start blogging?
 2. If for one day you could be someone else, who would it be?
 3. How would you like to spend your birthday?
 4. One of the proudest moments of your life?
 5.  Do you prefer night or day? Why?
 6. What are the three movies you can't get enough of?
 7. A dream that you had at night and cannot forget?
 8. What would you like to be remembered for?
 9. What is the greatest advice you've heard?
10. What is your dream destination?
11. One thing you'd like to change about this world?

. . .
Signing off,
- and looking forward to some answers-
Dashy

Perks of having a Gorgeous Bestie

Source: pinterest

Evening time. Intolerable heat. A hefty middle aged man paced up and down before an exhausted classroom. It was five minutes to bell. Must he continue? Or take a much needed break himself? His eyes darted from the all-time-conscious first-benchers to the sleepy heads at the rear. Heaving a sigh, he decided to make use of the last few minutes. Bad choice.

The class moaned in unison when he raised his voice. And as if in answer to their moans, the bell rang early. He made no effort to hide his relief as he left the boiling classroom. I perched myself on the desk, facing the boys row.
"So is it true?" I asked the one before me.
"I only told you what he told me. Make of it what you wish." he replied.
My eyes shifted to the row farther away. The guy in black was gesturing to me to meet him outside.
"See? I'm leaving anyway. Tell me what happens later." the boy in front of me picked his bag up and left.

I went out myself and bumped into a gang of boys. Oh not just any gang, the gang. The back-benchers gang with wierdo hairstyles. The gang that never missed a day in meeting up with me. Or to be precise, never missed a day in asking me about her.
"Two hundred and something" said the smaller one among them.
"What?" I said blankly.
"That's gonna be my rank for the entrance."
"Oh?"
"I'll get into Medical College."
I still wasn't sure where this was going, "You mean you'll study hard. "
He ignored my remark. "In five years, " he continued, "I'll be a doctor...and by then she'll be an engineer right?" he was now looking at me.
I stared right back at him, amused. One week of classes, with not even a hello to her, and he had their future planned? Gosh, guys can be so crazy.

The middle aged professor intervened, so the little guy had to leave his story unfinished. When stepping away, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned to face another classmate. "Let's go to the mall, its the weekend." he said. His intentions obvious well without his next line, "Take her along. And uh, the others too if you want."

"We'll see." I replied politely, stepping away again, and looking for that someone who summoned me out.
"Psst." There he was round the corner, the boy in black from the other row. He approached me, looking all nervous.
"So did you tell her yet? Do you think she'll like me?" his eyes were so full of hope. I bit my lip, wondering how to tell him that she wasn't looking for anyone right now. Ah well, a small lie wouldn't harm now would it?
"I'm sorry." I said with the humblest expression possible, "But she's taken."
That was the easiest way.  And before he could ask who that 'lucky' guy was, I walked away.

So much for having a pretty bestie! First the guy who likes your friend befriends you, and then all his other friends come and tell you why he befriended you. Eventually the beans are spilt and you're expected to play the wingman. You instead become only a sincere messenger. Never mind the outcome, for in the long run you end up with plenty of fun time and a whole new set of friends. Lost in thought, I rejoined my girl gang, only to find all of them staring at me.

"How?!" exclaimed one of them, "Just how?!"
"How what?"
"How are you close with everybody in here? It's only been a week!"
I grinned, turning to her. She stood there in all the elegance and gorgeousness of her demeanor, but with the same simple confused look as any other in our group. Pointing at my dear old friend, I said  "She is the secret."

.

This post is linked up with #MondayMusings at EverydayGyaan

The Phone Call

It was all going fine, no confusions, no dilemmas. School was done. It was the end of an era. And now I could finally recline and stare up at the ceiling, dreaming about my years ahead...far away from school and science...far away from postulates and proofs. There was so much to do! I had books to read, stories to write, places to go, things to do....all left undone since school got in the way, since the study schedule did not permit the things I most wanted.

For two years I've constantly had these two thoughts in mind- "I don't want this." and the other...well, "I hate chemistry." Now was the time I could finally put it all behind me. Yep. Now was the time for a fresh new start.

Here I was, busy clearing my table of all the science textbooks, of course I wouldn't need them anymore would I?! I was bidding them goodbye. Them and the endless exhausting hours of brainstorming questions I only partly understood. That and my sister's big fat reference books stacked up in the dusty lower rack that I never bothered to open. Yes, I was bidding goodbye to them all. I would finally dive into the world of words and be lost in there, where I belonged. Until then maybe, I would blog my way to happiness, celebrating what little I gained from here.

This was the moment I craved for, for two long years - no - for two enduring , stressful, tiring long years ! That's right, it was all over, and it was all going fine....until that one phone call.

"He-hello ma'am? I'm not sure if I heard you right..."
"You heard it right! You're the school topper in science ! Congratulations !! "

I stood there, dumb and feeling stupid. Here I was, all geared up to run away from something I'd surpassed all others in my school. Well of course I've always had the nerd title upon me, and I told people that marks don't assess intelligence. I was the textbook nerd, who never was interested enough to venture beyond what we learnt in school. While there were the others who were interested solely in understanding things, who were fascinated enough to discover more and ask 'why'. Sometimes I wish I had taken that interest myself, but then these things aren't forced. When I do try to indulge from without, all I can think of are the things I'm missing out on from my other dream world.

I told myself I know zilch in science, because I wasn't like them. They had that spark when they were learning but I didn't. They know more than I do but I have marks more than they do. Because I was that textbook girl, and this was what was wrong with the system.  This phone call did not make any difference. But it did tell me that for someone uninterested, I had done frighteningly well for the exams.

Did that mean that I am choosing wrong? Did it mean I was making a terrible mistake by not even giving it a shot? Must I just ignore the intuitions I had in the past few years?

Yet another phone call, yet another message, yet another praise for my feat. They ask me about my plan ahead and I smile and try to avoid a complicated explanation. Surely, I may be called insane and even naive for letting go of science ? But if you were to ask me if I still wish to take the risk of switching streams, I'd say yes. Because in the end, I know that that is where I'd reach, for that was where I belonged.

Come what may, anything is an adventure, and if it seems like a burden, I shall make that a challenge. No matter which way I choose to go, words shall always be with me, for it isn't something I can ever lose. And it is that very thought that leaves me at peace.

Thanks to the phone call, I now have absolutely no clue what to say when the next person asks me about my future plans. I suppose the best I can say is "Wait and watch!"

Jee haan, picture abhi baki hai mere dost!

             

This post is linked with Write Tribe's #FridayReflections picture prompt.

The Train and Our Chance Meeting

Source: capertravelindia.com

*Mangalore-TVM express. 9 pm. *

I sat by the emergency window, the red grills stuck open on the upper frame. A joint family filled the three adjacent berths next to ours. Having forgotten to carry a book, observing them was my means of entertainment at present. There were those two chatty girls, a spectacled boy sitting next to his grandma, another smaller boy and a few other uncles and aunties.

Bored soon enough, I switched over to my phone for company. I didn't look up until much later when mom got up to use the washroom. Casually getting back to my phone, I suddenly noticed a pair of eyes on me. It was the family's spectacled boy. Was he really looking at me? Or maybe staring at open space? When my eyes met his, he waved. So, me. I raised my brow in response.

"Recognize me?" he called out from his berth opposite mine. I peered at him more closely, trying to figure out who he was. With a creased forehead, I shook my head.
"Bhabha!" he exclaimed, to which my eyes widened.

Was he my batchmate from Bhabha? Oh, and FYI that was the name of my tuition centre (Let's not make fun of the name at least here!).  Maybe he was, there were like a hundred people in each class after all. Just as I got all geared up to go talk to him, mom appeared before me and started speaking all at once about a vacant seat a few berths away we could go to.

I had to wait another five minutes before approaching him. And when I did, I asked his name the first thing.
"Sid." he said. Nope, I knew no Sid from Bhabha.
"My batch?"
"Yeah...last year? Before the batches got shuffled? "
"Ahh I see, don't remember- my bad."
"Well, you looked so familiar, couldn't be sure though...and I didn't want to risk getting slapped"
I grinned.
"So, going for an exam?"
"Yep."
And a little more of Bhabha news plus talks on future plans followed before I remembered that mom was waiting.

So there I was back in my seat and it suddenly dawned on me that he hadn't yet asked my name. The next half hour I sat battling with my mind about whether or not to go back and talk with him. I could do with some company, but then he didn't even give a second glance till now. Giving up, I climbed over to the upper berth out of his sight. I had an exam the next day. I needed to sleep.

Lying down, I peeked through the grills on the wall separating the adjacent seats. All too soon, the back of a head popped up behind those grills. My fingers crossed, I waited for the head to turn. But all it did was look sideways to reveal a pair of spectacles. So that was him. Sigh. Maybe he was too good a guy to even turn around once?

A small commotion from below distracted me. A baby was wailing too loud for our liking. Heads were turning to find the source of the noise. That spectacled face turned around too and noticed me.

He waved again, and me back. Then he turned away. Okay...well at least he waved. He was probably busy with - oh hey he was facing me again, asking me my name. I grinned and sat up, trying to mouth my name to him. You see, we weren't in hearing range unless we wanted the whole compartment to hear us.

He flashed his phone's screen at me. I nodded, typing my name in my phone. Wait, what? How was he supposed to read it through the grills? Maybe I should zoom it up and -
"Beta!  Please hold the baby for a while! " the wailing baby's mother was holding her baby out to me.
"Sure aunty!"  As I took the baby from her, she climbed up to the berth in between us. Shit.

Thankfully, she didn't cover up the grills. He was now flashing his mobile number at me. Not easy to read through the grills. So he fingered his number digit by digit to me. I was carefully noting down each digit through his gestures, all along sensing the aunty's eyes on both of us. What was I doing?

Once the ten digits were done, I tried to give him a ring. It said switched off. I shook my head at him and he flashed his number on his screen again. All I could comprehend was that I'd gotten the last two digits wrong. Retried. It was now 'Out of coverage area'.

Someone turned the lights off. The only sources of light now were both of our phones. Great. Why did people sleep so early?

He was now showing me his WhatsApp contacts. Right. I still wasn't sure if I got the number right. Maybe I could search him up in FB? But I needed his full name. Turning the mobile data on, I  waited for the network. Loading. Loading. Aaandd......still loading. I looked up and he flashed his own loading circle in his phone.

And then suddenly, he signalled to wait and got down. What? I sat all nervous and excited, watching a figure walk over to the berth right underneath mine. He stood there a while. What exactly was he planning? Was I supposed to do something? Get down? Pass a slip?

I flashed my phone's light at him, and suddenly remembered that the ones below me might be his relatives. Quickly turning off my light, I noticed him going back to his place just as he had come. Now what?

When he was back up, I signalled to him to go to sleep. I also wanted to tell him we'd talk in the morning like normal people but had no idea how to convey that. So I lay down and a little later he did too. But his phone's light was visible for a very long time afterwards.

*2 am*

I woke up with a jerk. The family below me was up and about, busy packing. He was nowhere in sight. Around ten minutes later the train slowed down, and the family was lined up with the luggage on the aisle. Slowly as the line moved, he appeared in the rear end. Look up Sid! Look up!

He did, and we exchanged a final wave of goodbye. Sigh. He still did not know my name.

*TVM Railway Station. 6 pm *

I stared at the saved mobile number in WhatsApp. There was no profile picture. Hoping against hope that the number was right, I gave a ring. No answer. Maybe I should just leave it here?

  -Beep-

A new WhatsApp message. Alright. If it wasn't him I'm gonna have to block this number. So here we go.

Holding my breath, I opened the message...

 "Hey, so how was your exam?"

.

  

You Left Without A Word

Gone. Lost. I don't know for how long.

I know we weren't very good together. But haven't you put up with me since day one in school? With you, everything was so much easier. We'd climb mountains together, and reach such great heights! And my friends'd look at us in awe, slightly jealous for not having you for themselves.

Yet after all that we've been through together, you chose to elude me now. Now when I need you the most. For ten years you stood by me, never once was there a betrayal. Maybe that's why I took you for granted. But don't think I hadn't noticed our relationship dwindle in the past two years. Don't think I didn't see the distance   creep in between us. I tried to ignore it, but it was too obvious not to notice. You were around, but never quite with me. Is it because I've spent too much time with those others you don't agree with? Or is it because I never appreciated you much all along?

I hadn't known then that you would disappear so soon. And now it frightens me to think of my years ahead without you. I've been searching high and low for you, hoping you're somewhere around the corner and only just playing games with me. I waited for you to pop out of the blue and exclaim that you'd never left, that you were only fooling around with me, that you would always be by my side. But you never came. 

Two hours. That's how long I've been sitting before my books. Four days. That's how long I have left to study for the exam. My mom's noticed your absence too, though she did not bring it up with me until now in fear of disappointing me. I've tried to convince her that you'd be back soon, that everything would be fine, and secretly wished  my words were true. 

Where are you? These fat books around are scaring me. The chalk white pages are blinding, the letters hard to decipher. Everyone is beginning to notice your departure, and they're taking advantage of it. They're calling out to me right now...that Jane Austen book on the table, the Rubiks cube left undone, the piano badly missing my fingers, and even the plain wall that's made itself interesting, only for me. And yet you don't show up. 

My interest to study. 

Gone. Lost. And I don't know for how long.

Pic Source: gallerily.com

#This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.